From the Inside Out

Back story:  This is a testimony I shared with our church on June 3, 2012.  It gives the background to the change that I've experienced over the last 6 months.  It was writing this experience that kept me awake at night in 'Uncomfortably Comfortable'.   

Good morning church, my name is Peter. My wife, Anita, and I have been worshiping Jesus Christ here at the Gathering for 3 years with our 2 sons, Christopher and Justin.

I became a Christian about 15 years ago.  I was a true born-again Christian on fire for Christ.  I attended a small group, bought my first Bible and read it regularly.  I made a daily effort do what Jesus would do with a WWJD bracelet on my wrist and soaked up the weekly messages.  And I wasn't afraid to share my conviction with my friends and family. 

But my real connection to God came through worship.  I would listen to Christian music on the radio and CD’s.  At the time, I was a horrible guitar player struggling to figure out how strum and remember chords at the same time.  But I started playing my guitar and spending hours playing my favorite songs just worshiping Him.

This past weekend, I got a invite to attend a men’s retreat.  It was introduced to me that it was spiritual retreat where I would experience God’s unconditional love and sense His presence.

You would think based on my earlier conviction, I would be excited to go.  The truth was, I didn't want to go. 

You see, my heart had been steadily hardened over the past 18 months. 

This seems pretty strange for someone who loves to worship so passionately.  As a result, worshiping has been getting more and more difficult.  In my own time, I would avoid practicing songs that have a special meaning to me.  If practicing with the team, I would avoid thinking of the words as we played them.  Worship was getting more and more mechanical.  Church was becoming mechanical.  Life has been mechanical for the past year.

The problem with a hardened heart is quite simply like an empty glass turned over.  Obviously, the glass can’t receive any liquid.  Likewise, a hardened heart is going to reject anything God has to offer it, regardless of how much it may need it. 

My hardened heart was a direct result of sin in the name of ANGER. 

Many of you know that we suffered a failed adoption last year.  I was angry because I felt God had orchestrated every step of the adoption process.  We had felt His confirmation and support all the way through the adoption.  We knew it was the right thing.  As well, we had many affirmations from our pastor, friends and church family.  We were even blessed and prayer for in front of the church one Sunday.

But when things started getting tough to the point of a potential family melt-down, I really started to wonder why He – my Lord and Savior, would set ME up for failure.  Why would He abandon us when we needed Him most?!

If you remember, we recently had a sermon that described bitterness of the heart and how if we held a grudge against someone – even GOD! – the bitterness would only poison our own heart.  That wasn't stopping me.  In fact, I was already there.

The situation also led for me to have ANGER towards those people or organizations that I felt may have contributed to the failed adoption. 

Finally, I was ANGRY with myself.  I had failed these innocent children.  I had failed my wife.  I had failed my family.  I had failed my friends.  I had failed my church.  I had failed my God. 

And over 18 months, the anger grew into an impenetrable wall around my heart. 

In the space of 48 hours, God used a number of ‘coincidental’ events to ensure that I went on the retreat.  I know now, the events weren't coincidences but rather God events.  But I still wasn't happy about it. 

All of these God events didn't change the fact that I was still ANGRY and my heart was still HARDENED. 

Over the course of the weekend, God broke down the barriers.  Brick by brick.  Stone by stone.  He broke through it all and while it was painful, much like pulling out a thorn, the relief far out-weighed the short pain of pulling the thorn out.

I had been slowly poisoning myself and He sucked out the poison. 

After the retreat, my wife Anita, says I look like I walk much lighter now.  And she is right, my heavy burden, my sin of Anger had been taken away by Jesus and the Cross.  There is no shame, there is no guilt.  There is no question WHO could have done this. 

My heart IS now filled with God’s LOVE. Just like an overflowing glass of water.

I remember just minutes after the transformation experience, after He removed all the junk, that all I could do was smile.  Complete joy.

So you would think God would be done right?  No, now that I was listening and He had my full attention, He wanted to raise another issue He had. 

You see, I've given lip service to putting Him first in my life.  While I've always kept Him in my heart, I never gave Him my whole heart.  I never put Him first, even above my wife let alone myself. 

My problem was, I had always been successful with anything I put my mind to.  I had always accomplished any goal laid out before me.  I had always done it with as little help as possible.  If at all possible, I did it myself.  I gave Him very little credit in any of MY accomplishments.  This sin is called PRIDE.

So here was the problem, I thought I could do everything myself.  I was PROUD.  This allowed sin to stay in my heart and reduce the room for God. 

Romans 8:5-6 says:

5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.

As I allowed sin to creep back into my heart and as I allowed it to take a bigger hold, the room for God’s love continued to dwindle. And I am back to being an empty glass.

That’s how a seasoned Christian, who loves to passionately worship God, who attends church regularly, who tithes and gives much of his time and energy to God’s work, can become hardhearted. 

With God #1 in my life:

·      Worries disappear, it’s all His. 

·      Challenges at work disappear, it’s all His. 

·      Money issues disappear, it’s all His. 

·      Family struggles disappear, it’s all His. 

·      Sickness disappears, it’s all His. 

Does it change my circumstances – NO.  Has it fixed things I've done in the past – NO.  Does it change my current situation – NO. 

But it changes my frame of mind.

I don’t need to blame myself for a failed adoption.

I don’t need to worry about Zach and Kiara.

I don’t need to be concerned about my family.

I don’t need to wonder where the money will come from.

I don’t need to concern myself with ANYTHING out of my control.

God will take care of it all. 

The result is a heart that overflows with God’s Love, love that can affect the people around you. 

This past weekend, I fell in love with God again.  Will I stumble again?  Absolutely, I am not perfect.  But I know that God’s grace will forgive and redeem me when I don’t deserve it.  My heart cries out praise for Him from the Inside Out. 

This next song spoke to me through my weekend with God.  I hope it touches you.

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Thank you for taking the time to read one of the many 'Wandering Thoughts' that God has been putting on my heart.  If this has touched you in anyway, I would love to hear from you.  You can leave a comment below, share your own personal revelations or send me a personal message on Google+.

May you be blessed today.